Once upon a time there were three children all of whom were loved equally. One child spent his adulthood in and out of rehab all on Daddy’s tab. Another child married into a wealthy family and was in need of no financial assistance. The last child lived a happy life and over the years asked for nothing from dear old dad but when push came to shove she needed a little help getting the grandkids through college and setting up some funding for retirement. When Daddy had a heart attack and passed away unexpectedly the three siblings gathered to learn what they have been left by their father. What they didn’t know is that Daddy felt as though he spent a small fortune on child number one just getting him through rehab and whatever inheritance he had coming had long since been spent in Daddy’s mind. Daddy looked at child number two and saw a loving and stable marriage, grandkids through college and retirements already established with no uncertainties. When Daddy saw child number three he realized that here is where his money would most wisely be spent so he left the majority of his estate to this child. When the siblings gathered to learn about the will provisions, they hugged and kissed and accepted their father’s intentions and realized the wisdom behind his choices, right?
WRONG!!! WRONG!!! WRONG!!!
This is when it hits the fan and blame is distributed by spouses, grandkids, siblings, you name it. Child number three is smothered with anger and feelings of guilt and that is just the beginning of the family feud. This is where some preventative measures would have been most helpful. In 2008, writer David Cay Johnston discussed the problem and suggested that “being upfront may be hard but could serve you in the long run.” In his New York Times article he encourages sitting down with families in good times and disclosing estate plans and will distributions. At the very least this will direct the fire at the person responsible for the decision and not at the recipient.
Gerald LeVan, a family wealth mediator at the Upchurch Watson White and Max Mediation Group, strongly encourages families to sit down and talk about their plans to avoid litigation and will disputes. Mr. LeVan says that in this manner at least the families have been put on notice, they have been treated with respect and they don’t have unrealistic expectations. Recently the San Diego Estate Planning Lawyer Blog touted the importance of communication in dealing with the harsh reality of unequal will distributions.
So, take the time to sit down with your families and have that awkward, uncomfortable conversation. Be clear, be direct and be honest. Who gets what, when, why and how. As hard as it may be, your real gift to them will be a healthy and continuous sibling relationship after you are long gone.